INFERTILITY & MISCARRIAGES - BARRENNESS - Embracing Grace

INFERTILITY

& 

MISCARRIAGES

&

BARRENNESS

✞✞ Embracing Grace ✞✞

Written By: Pastor Stephanie Blackburn

Abiding In God's Grace©Ministries

A.I.G.G.M.©

My Dear Beautiful Beloved Sister, 

Are You Suffering (or have you suffered) From 

Infertility, Barrenness and/or Miscarriages?

Is Your Faith 

Being Tested.. Hindered.. Or Destroyed 

Because Of It?

Is Your Marriage 

Being Hindered.. Damaged.. Or Destroyed 

As A (direct) Result Of This?

Is Your Family 

Being Hindered.. Damaged.. Or Destroyed 

Because Of This?

Is Your Heart, Mentality and Spirit 

Being Hindered.. Damaged.. Or Destroyed?

Are You Giving Up.. 

Are You Losing Hope and Faith.. 

Are You Ready To Throw In The Towel and Call It Quits..

Are You At The Ends Of Your Rope?

If YES, To ANY Of These Questions/Statements . . 

Then I Especially Want YOU To Please READ ON and To Please READ This In It's ENTIRETY. 

Take Time To Take It ALL In . . Take A Breather and Relax. 💖🙏

If NO, To Any Of These Questions/Statements . . 

Then Please Also READ Too! 😁

Firstly, I want to start off by saying right away, that I humbly and (equally) that I wholeheartedly am so so extremely very sorry that your going through this.. that you have to deal with this.. and that your heart is so heavy, burdened and broken. I'm so very very sorry that your hurting. My heart aches for you, it truly and honestly does. 

I can honestly relate and I wouldn't wish this pain and struggle on anyone! It's a (almost silent) burden and an issue that sadly isn't understood, supported, talked about, educated on, brought up, dealt with (and) NOR  acknowledged that much, to be frank and in all honesty. Silent and seemingly invisible . . but . . very real and very felt.

See, when it comes to this particular area, issue, predicament, circumstance and situation . . it needs a WHOLE ENTIRE Support System, a "Village" so to speak and (a) Community. It requires a special and different type and kind of approach, care, support, attention, understanding, treating, counseling, tending too, talking about and being educated on and brought to light. It needs to be and it (honestly) must be . . raw, honest, authentic, genuine, dealt with, blunt, real, acknowledged, accountable, truthful (and true) and respected (and respectful) . . and must come from the heart . . a safe place . . a safe haven if you will . . a safe environment . . a place of (and from/out of) true and pure love (among many other things) . . and NOT be watered down . . sugar coated . . put down . . cast aside . . NOR neglected and/or rejected. It is NOT to be political, fit for a narrative NOR agenda . . NOT ideal, textbook, quick fix, simple, etc.. NOR a 'one size fits all' scenario (etc..).

I know this is very difficult, to say the least.. and I also know the pain, disappointment anger, confusion and utter heart shattering emotions, feelings and mentality.. and loss of hope, that this (ALL) brings. But there is HOPE! I know you've probably heard that so many MANY many times (before) that it becomes angrily irritating, redundant and a bit like a broken record... but nonetheless, IT IS TRUE. 

I want to share some very private, intimate and very personal things about myself with y'all. I'm going completely out of my comfort-zone and sharing some very hard and private details of my life with y'all, in hopes that it brings encouragement, hope, faith, strength, healing, support and inspiration, (etc..) to each (and every single one) of you. 

Now, I was told as a young child, that I would probably Never be able to have children. I then found out as a teenager (in my early teens.. 14/15 years old to be exact) that I would NEVER be able to get pregnant.. NOR ever have children of my own. 

Y'all, I had so MANY tests done in my teenage years.. that I felt like a legit pin cushion and a lab rat! They drew so much blood.. SO MUCH blood that I remember one time being so scared that I was gonna die.. because surely I barely had any blood left in my body (oh the mind of a teenager 😂😳😬😕 lol). They did external and internal testing. It was so scaring as a child.. as a teenager.. as a young lady. It was truly a legit NIGHTMARE!

So, then..

WHY 

Did I Have To Have So Much and So Many tests Done.. 

Especially At Such A Young Age?!?

Well, because I NEVER got a menstrual cycle (period), because I am NOT fertile, because I have NO good eggs, because I do NOT ovulate, etc.. 

I felt like less of a woman, 

my whole entire life.. 

and the one thing a woman was suppose to do.. 

I couldn't. 

I felt like damaged goods. I felt like God was punishing me, like I unknowingly must have done something so horribly wrong to be suffering and punished like that (etc..). I thought maybe God didn't love me or care about me. I felt like God abandoned me and forgot about me. I felt like I was the ONLY ONE who had these problems.. because other girls bodies worked just fine.. except for mine. I felt like a freak.. like an outcast.. like an alien.. like something was very wrong and very different about me. Like WHY didn't my body work like other girl's?!? (This was my mindset and mentality as a young teenage girl.) 

I grew angry, bitter and developed an almost hatred.. because so many children were neglected, abused, disposed, unwanted and unloved, abandoned, tossed away and/or murdered, etc.. Because so many women had children that should have NEVER been allowed too.. Because women who NEVER wanted children could and I couldn't (etc..).. and here ALL I ever wanted.. was to be a mother. To show a child what love is and to be the type of mother that a child deserved. I felt unworthy, less than, a failure, etc.. I also felt bad to be with a man but deprive him of being a father. It was too much and the enemy kept putting things in my head. 

BUT, 

THE ENEMY IS A LIAR! 

I even became extremely bitter and resentful towards my own mother and sister over this whole situation. That bitterness, anger and resentment grew MORE with them two, than with anyone else. Like, WHY should they have been allowed to be mothers and have children, when they were NOT fit to be mothers . . and when they were NOT good mothers at all . . but yet, I couldn't?! It was beyond unfair, unright, unjustified, etc.. And unfortunately, the enemy played on that . . and it spiraled! I unknowingly let the enemy in and was so caught up in my hurt, agony, anguish, thoughts and heartache . . that that was my sole FOCUS and mentality! 

Unfortunately though, NOT everyone is meant to be a parent . . . . and also unfortunately, NOT everyone will become a parent.. I don't know why . . but I promise . . GOD does. 

Now, you need and must understand and know.. that Almighty God works in very very mysterious ways. Ways that is far beyond our comprehension, understanding and mentality.. ways that are beyond our imaginations.. ways that are beyond ANYTHING human.. and beyond ALL human understanding, comprehension and limitations.  

The Lord God did end up blessing me with a child, miraculously.. BUT that was after YEARSSSSS of suffering and several miscarriages and after 7 WHOLE YEARS worth of Prayers and Surrendering. It wasn't easy, but I came to a place of.. humility and humbleness.. a place of NOT my will Father, but Yours! That was when God blessed me and He opened my womb and He formed and gave me my miracle baby. (Ask if you want to know what exactly I prayed.)

I left myself and my family speechless. I left my doctors speechless and in disbelief. NONE of them could wrap their heads around HOW I was pregnant (long enough just how far along.. I really was). They were baffled and confused.. yet intrigued at the same time. However, they were very doubtful and skeptical on me being able to carry the baby full-term and were highly set on my pregnancy ending in miscarriage or stillbirth. I also could (and can) NEVER have a normal natural delivery.. I could ONLY ever have a Cesarean (C-Section) delivery. But I won't go into the why right now.. unless someone asks. 

See, when I went to the doctors to confirm that my 7 pregnancy tests were CORRECT and to make sure and see if I was really pregnant or not.. I however, was NOT prepared for the results and all! Turns out I was in fact pregnant and was further along in my pregnancy than any of us expected, thought or figured. I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant!! (I have to add- that I had absolutely NO idea that I was pregnant throughout all that time.. until I started getting severely sick 24/7 and that was at 5 1/2 months.)

I also had my daughter months early as a result of the placenta detaching from BOTH my daughter and I, so she was a preemie, just like I was. I was born at home and weighed 4 pounds when I was born and my tube and my esophagus was not connected and Johns Hopkins (Baltimore, Maryland) came out to my house and tended to me and my mother and then took us to the hospital via ambulance. My daughter (my oldest) weighed 3 pounds and 5 ounces at birth and was born at the hospital. 

After my miracle baby (my oldest), I could NOT get pregnant again. We went 6 1/2 MORE years of NOT being able to conceive. 6 1/2 more years of NOTHING. Still NO answers . . NOTHING. Then crazily enough, (a whopping 6 1/2 years later) as my Father got diagnosed with terminal stage 5 incurable esophageal cancer, taking on ALL of that (and all that that entailed), plus (with) EVERYTHING else going on at that time (on top of motherhood already to my oldest and on my own) . . and at a very hard, confusing, devastating, challenging, trialing, chaotic and (at such a) pivotal time in my life . . I found out that I was 3 1/2 months pregnant with my second child. COMPLETE and UTTER SHOCKNESS!! (To say the least!)

Now, after ALL of that . . (and) Here we are almost (a whopping) FIVE WHOLE YEARS LATER . . after ALL of that . . and within that time . . I met, dated, got engaged and married my wonderful, amazing, God-loving and God-fearing husband (my best friend and my answered prayer) . . I have TWO absolutely beautiful, healthy, happy, smart and just amazing children (my answered prayers) . . we established a nice loving happy home . . we have an awesome little family . . and yet . .  and yet I STILL CANNOT get pregnant like that . . I STILL CANNOT hold a pregnancy . . WE HAVE lost . . WE HAVE had our hopes destroyed, our joy robbed, our hearts completely crushed and shattered and our dreams broken . . I STILL have problems being able to conceive. 

YES, it breaks my heart! 

NO, it's NOT easy! 

NO, it's NOT fair . . NOR right! 

NO, I do NOT understand! 

NO, I do NOT have the answers! 

YES, it absolutely DOES (still) bother me!

YES, it absolutely (still) upsets me and get me down!

YES, 

I wish more than anything . . that it was different . . 

that I could change it . . 

that I could fix it (well fix me and my body) . . 

that I could make it better . .

that I could give my husband a baby!

To be completely honest . .

To be frank (blunt), truthful, raw, personal, and completely authentic and humble . . 

NOW would be the time! . .

NOW would be the time in which I would think and see becoming pregnant and having a (another) child.

I'm married, we have a happy.. healthy.. thriving.. flourishing.. stable.. loving home and family and life (together), we have happy healthy (thriving and flourishing) children already, I'm a Pastor and a Christian Counselor, and so much MORE . . and yet . . my husband and I STILL are having so much trouble and the worse time having a baby. We CANNOT (seem to) have a baby. 

We have given up . . on having a baby together. 

We still have hope and faith.

We know the GOD we serve.

 We have hope and faith in GOD. 

We have FAITH . . that one day . . 

we might have another child . . 

a child together. 

We still hope . . 

but, we're content MORE . .

 in TRUSTING GOD . . 

and TRUSTING HIS WILL and HIS PLANS . .

it will happen one day . . IF it's MEANT TOO! . .

So, in the meantime . . 

we're choosing to TRUST GOD!

We're TRUSTING in GOD's TIMING . . and if it's in GOD WILL!

 It truly is in GOD ALMIGHTY's Hands 

and in HIS PERFECT WILL and PERFECT TIMING.

THY WILL BE DONE FATHER! 🙌🙏🙌

 

So, My Dear Beloved Sister(s) in Christ, 

If you take ANYTHING away from ALL of this . . ANY thing at all . . . . 

Please have and keep HOPE and FAITH. 

Keep PRAYING FERVENTLY and lay it ALL at The Lord's feet.

I know it's hard sister, but do NOT turn from God now, 

(Rather) Instead, RUN TO HIM! 

FORCE yourself to read and study His word, 

take EVERYTHING to Him in Prayer and lay it ALL at His feet. 

Totally Surrender to Him and His Will. 

ALWAYS Remember, you are NOT alone!

Countless others struggle with this EVERY SINGLE DAY, too.

Get a good counselor, support group, fellowship, etc..

Always remember . . GOD ALMIGHTY Sees and Hears You!

TRUST GOD and HIS PLAN and HIS WILL and HIS TIMING.

HE KNOWS BEST!

Please message me and reach out, 

because I'm here for you and I know exactly what your going through. 

I want to help. I truly do. And I can help.

Fellowship, Support, Encouragement, Prayers, Counseling, Etc.. --> I'm HERE! 💖🙋

👉 PastorBlackburn.AIGGM@gmail.com 👈

You will be in my Prayers 🙏🙇🙏 

Love Always and God Bless,

(Pastor) Sister Stephanie XoXoxoxoxo